I tried to do it once. It's a really terrible place to be in. I tried to take a knife to my wrists but failed, then ate all the drugs I had on my shelf. Knocked myself out, and woke up in my own vomit with very sore wrists, not a cent to my name and all my credit cards maxed out from online gambling. The lowest point of my life.
There was a build up leading up to that point, I had previously fantasized and romanticized about it.
For me being suicidal was like being down an inescapable black hole. Managing depression was similar. When hard times hit, it's all too easy to let your mind slip down this black hole and start feeling suicidal and depressed, I have to fight to not go to that place mentally. But when you're feeling low and you can feel yourself slipping into this black hole it's very tempting to allow yourself to fall right in.
For me also being suicidal was a deeply visceral experience, and also an experience of high perceived clarity. Mentally I felt very clear and focused.
It was also a time of uncontrollable and intense emotion. I felt deeply emotional about life and humanity in general, with small moments of shame. It was also a time of high desperation, and a place I could see no escape from. It was a very strong cocktail of negative emotions which are hard enough to deal with individually. Life as it appeared around me I perceived as meaningless and vacuous. The path of least resistance to get through each day was cynicism. Sometimes when I watch the TV or news I had uncontrollable surges of very intense empathy which would cause me to cry. It's very hard to articulate exactly how low and desperate I felt.
Fortunately for me my family were always there for me, and now I feel I am better. Even though at times I did not recognise they were there for me, they were and they were acting on it. Eventually I started to recognise it and very slowly I started to make things better.
I really don't think there was any other way for me to escape it all except with the help of my family. I dread to think what would of become of me if I didn't have that support network. I feel if I did not have that support network, I do not think I would have escaped alive. For suicidal people in worse position than I was I do not know how you would go about helping them.
There was a build up leading up to that point, I had previously fantasized and romanticized about it.
For me being suicidal was like being down an inescapable black hole. Managing depression was similar. When hard times hit, it's all too easy to let your mind slip down this black hole and start feeling suicidal and depressed, I have to fight to not go to that place mentally. But when you're feeling low and you can feel yourself slipping into this black hole it's very tempting to allow yourself to fall right in.
For me also being suicidal was a deeply visceral experience, and also an experience of high perceived clarity. Mentally I felt very clear and focused.
It was also a time of uncontrollable and intense emotion. I felt deeply emotional about life and humanity in general, with small moments of shame. It was also a time of high desperation, and a place I could see no escape from. It was a very strong cocktail of negative emotions which are hard enough to deal with individually. Life as it appeared around me I perceived as meaningless and vacuous. The path of least resistance to get through each day was cynicism. Sometimes when I watch the TV or news I had uncontrollable surges of very intense empathy which would cause me to cry. It's very hard to articulate exactly how low and desperate I felt.
Fortunately for me my family were always there for me, and now I feel I am better. Even though at times I did not recognise they were there for me, they were and they were acting on it. Eventually I started to recognise it and very slowly I started to make things better.
I really don't think there was any other way for me to escape it all except with the help of my family. I dread to think what would of become of me if I didn't have that support network. I feel if I did not have that support network, I do not think I would have escaped alive. For suicidal people in worse position than I was I do not know how you would go about helping them.