The advice about how to handle it is spot on, but I feel like it is missing something. That's not a harsh criticism because I'm struggling to articulate it myself.
Two things come to mind. The first is "Don't kill the messenger."
This is now metaphorical, but was originally literal. The reason you don't kill the bearer of bad tidings is because if communication breaks down, you have lost all hope of a diplomatic solution. Now the war has to be fought to the very bitter end of last man standing.
The second thing that comes to mind is an anecdote from raising my children.
My oldest had sleep issues from birth. When he was two, he often stayed up later than me. I would give him a drink, a snack and put a video tape in the VCR. He could come get me if he really needed me, but if it wasn't an emergency, I encouraged him to let me sleep.
More snacks and drinks were physically accessible to him. He was both allowed to get them and physically able to do so.
Inevitably, he sometimes spilled stuff. My policy was that he wasn't going to get in trouble for spilling stuff. Spills happen.
But I needed to know when he spilled things. I also needed to know where it got spilled and what he had spilled so I could clean it up properly. Some juices are the same color, but have very different chemical properties. Some can be easily wiped up. Others need special treatment.
Also, if you don't clean it up, it's going to mold or attract insects, etc. Nothing good will come of it. It is all down side to make your kid scared to tell you they spilled something.
He was a bit weirded out the first time because he was a little hellion who got yelled at out of concern for his safety so much that when he first began using the word no, he said it at full volume because he thought that's how it was pronounced. So he basically figured I would yell at him.
But he told me he spilled something and all I asked was where he spilled it and what was it. He showed me and told me and I cleaned it up and didn't punish him. After that, he was good. He trusted me. I wasn't going to yell at him over it.
Keeping the lines of communication open is critical. If your people are scared to tell you what's going on, then problems are being swept under the rug and left to fester and grow worse. It's vastly worse to make it a problem to share bad news.
> My policy was that he wasn't going to get in trouble for spilling stuff. Spills happen.
That was basically the first thing I told my sister when she moved in after our mum passed away a few months ago: "No matter which mistake you make, tell us. We won't punish you for that. However, if you lie to us, there will be some sort of punishment."
So far, it seems to work out, as she's getting more and more open, and talks to us about her feelings, her day, etc. Something that wasn't possible in the very first beginning. She also admits mistakes she does, and starts to ask for help more often - not as much as we'd like, but... yeah. Hopefully, that will be better over the next months.
Thanks a lot for sharing. Having young kids of my own, this have me a lot to think about. We have a couple of similar arrangements on other matters here, but the way you put it will most probably help me make it clearer and applying it better.
Two things come to mind. The first is "Don't kill the messenger."
This is now metaphorical, but was originally literal. The reason you don't kill the bearer of bad tidings is because if communication breaks down, you have lost all hope of a diplomatic solution. Now the war has to be fought to the very bitter end of last man standing.
The second thing that comes to mind is an anecdote from raising my children.
My oldest had sleep issues from birth. When he was two, he often stayed up later than me. I would give him a drink, a snack and put a video tape in the VCR. He could come get me if he really needed me, but if it wasn't an emergency, I encouraged him to let me sleep.
More snacks and drinks were physically accessible to him. He was both allowed to get them and physically able to do so.
Inevitably, he sometimes spilled stuff. My policy was that he wasn't going to get in trouble for spilling stuff. Spills happen.
But I needed to know when he spilled things. I also needed to know where it got spilled and what he had spilled so I could clean it up properly. Some juices are the same color, but have very different chemical properties. Some can be easily wiped up. Others need special treatment.
Also, if you don't clean it up, it's going to mold or attract insects, etc. Nothing good will come of it. It is all down side to make your kid scared to tell you they spilled something.
He was a bit weirded out the first time because he was a little hellion who got yelled at out of concern for his safety so much that when he first began using the word no, he said it at full volume because he thought that's how it was pronounced. So he basically figured I would yell at him.
But he told me he spilled something and all I asked was where he spilled it and what was it. He showed me and told me and I cleaned it up and didn't punish him. After that, he was good. He trusted me. I wasn't going to yell at him over it.
Keeping the lines of communication open is critical. If your people are scared to tell you what's going on, then problems are being swept under the rug and left to fester and grow worse. It's vastly worse to make it a problem to share bad news.