A sad sentiment of giving up, but I think it is premature to abandon your approach. I think it may be worth trying for that small-ish fraction (call it 10%?) of people who can be talked back from their anger. Those are good conversations to have for both parties, and worth trying to have, even if it results in failure 90% of the time.
That said, I think the real lesson for you is: don't make yourself more vulnerable (e.g. letting her touch you or your stuff) if you decide to try to start a conversation!
It also points to a theory I've been considering about personhood, and how people like your driver lady is in a mindstate where, in her mind, you're not a person. It's a very, very dangerous situation, because if they don't think you're a person, then there is nothing immoral about saying or doing anything to you, including violence.
> I think the real lesson for you is: don't make yourself more vulnerable (e.g. letting her touch you or your stuff) if you decide to try to start a conversation!
I didn't "let" her, she just did it.
I know you mean well and that you probably didn't intend it like this, but this comment comes off as victim blaming quite a bit.
As for the rest: thus far I've never managed to talk random strangers down from these kind of rages; but maybe I just don't have the charm shrug Last time I tried was with my neighbour and he ended up calling the police three times over a four-day period on me. My crime? I kindly asked him to not play his music so loudly all day long at the start of the lockdown (especially at 7am) and not backing down when he tried to shout me away. I had "invaded his home" by knocking on his front door... This isn't a fit of anger, some people are just like this.
Yeah, had a neighbour lady like this recently. She was always closing her doors VERY loudly (lamps in my aartment were ringing) and when there was some argument with another neighbour, she eventually said that it was I who started banging doors. My best comparison for arguing with such people is like playing chess with pidgeon. It will throw off pieces, shit on board and be happy that it won. And you will be appaled that it didn't follow any rules, angry maybe, but is there any use to all that arguing? They will bring you down emotionally and then you only argue to have a feeling of winning. No meritoric discussion whatsoever. In such situations, just remember, that arguing with them will NOT have any utility or lasting value, it will just waste your time and mental health.
I've recently had an interaction of similar character with a neighbor in my very small apartment building, including, oddly, a door slamming component. We had had an interaction a few weeks prior that just went sideways, which caused this woman to slam her door every time I would walk past it. Since walking past her door is not optional if I want to leave my apartment (small apartment building, remember?), and this door slamming tended to startle my dog, I asked her to stop.
Because the earlier interaction I mentioned went sideways (including, among other things, her literally getting within 4 inches of my face while she was not wearing a mask), I decided to video record this most recent interaction on my phone so I would have evidence if anything went wrong that I could take to the landlord. I knew this would create an inherently more antagonistic vibe, but I felt like I had no choice after the prior incident.
Let's just say this interaction also went bad, culminating in a very minor physical assault (I was not injured -- she slapped the hand I was holding my phone in, because she did not like the fact I was recording), and a restraining order.
End of story, right?
Wrong. That restraining order, it was taken out by her against me. Her petition filing is literally nothing but gaslighting trying to paint me as the aggressor when I literally have video evidence to the contrary.
Unfortunately, due to COVID shenanigans, the court date was delayed a couple of times, and I ended up not being served notice of the actual hearing, which means I lost in a default judgement. I filed a motion to terminate her restraining order and a counter petition of my own, both of which I am currently waiting on a hearing for.
And, like your situation, because it was a neighbor, and because I have to walk past her door to get to and from my apartment, I simply don't have the choice to not interact with this person. Basically anything I could have done would be a lose / lose. Rock, meet hard place, I guess. Le sigh.
I am not blaming you. I am trying to point out places where you could have reduced the chance of being harmed. In particular, when she approached you and came within arms length, you could have put away your phone. Next time, I hope you do. That is NOT the same as saying it was your fault she destroyed it. It is her fault. My advice is based on the sad truth that the cost of getting justice >> the cost of buying a new phone, so I'm saying: when confronted with an angry person, put your valuables away, because getting them to actually replace that item will be more pain than the initial damaging interaction.
As for your neighbor, yes, it sounds like he's a crazy person. And the lockdown has taken even moderately crazy people and pushed them over the edge!
My guess would be that you're too peaceful and it shows.
There are some people who will try to bully their way through life. They will apply violent behavior (e.g. breaking your phone) to get their way. The way to stop that is to make it clear that you can apply violence, too.
Most of society works by peacefully interacting with each other. But it is crucial that everyone knows that there is a threat of violence (e.g. the police) to keep everyday life peaceful.
I wonder if I am just imagining it, but I took martial arts lessons as a kid. I've always felt like just the knowledge that I could fight has caused others to deescalate and be respectful.
Well that only works with people that are not afraid of fighting you and possibly winning against you - and there's always somebody that's better trained and/or stronger then you.
When you encounter that kind of person, if you challenge them, they will step up and fight you, because they will feel they have no other choice. Reasons could range from pride, (imagined) loss of (self) respect to just being aggressive bullies that enjoy hurting other people.
Of course if you're 6'7'' and 240 lbs not a lot of people would want to start arguing with you in the first place.
It's tautologically true that for any X, if you don't try to do X, you won't succeed. But, you also have to weigh whatever good may come of success against the probability and potential consequences of failure. In cases like these, you're by definition dealing with someone who is a little off mentally, whether that's just a temporary condition (e.g. having a bad day), or serious mental illness. Such people can tend to be unpredictable as a result, which is dangerous in its own way.
So, yes, I agree with you somewhat, but I think the balance of consequences tends to favor not acting in cases like this rather than attempting to do anything.
>A sad sentiment of giving up, but I think it is premature to abandon your approach. I think it may be worth trying for that small-ish fraction (call it 10%?) of people who can be talked back from their anger. Those are good conversations to have for both parties, and worth trying to have, even if it results in failure 90% of the time.
Please do not give terrible advice that will kill people.
That said, I think the real lesson for you is: don't make yourself more vulnerable (e.g. letting her touch you or your stuff) if you decide to try to start a conversation!
It also points to a theory I've been considering about personhood, and how people like your driver lady is in a mindstate where, in her mind, you're not a person. It's a very, very dangerous situation, because if they don't think you're a person, then there is nothing immoral about saying or doing anything to you, including violence.