Does anyone have experience with the emotional dysregulatiom bit and what that looks like as an adult?
I have friends with adhd tell me that I have it, but my parents have suggested there was nothing present to indicate I had it as a child, which seems to be a binary input for diagnosis.
But I do seem to way overreact to the silliest things. For example, if my toddler trips and falls, my mind immediately races to "they definitely knocked all their teeth out and will be in pain and will have dentures forever and will never enjoy life again", and that seems to short circuit my reaction into a total panic/meltdown before I've even looked at the kid's face (which never hit the ground). And the advice of the internet such as deep breathing, stepping away, etc. is totally unhelpful as it seems my reaction is instantaneous. Then there's the crash and shame that follows it once the initial surge passes, which feels like my brain is lurching forward in my skull when I can feel it happening or stop it. And then I vow to never do it again, but then it happens.
I seem to mostly exist as a normal human otherwise. I can hyperfocus on coding, but that could just be normal focus because that's what I do all day.
My suspicion is that I have depression since the symptoms are overlapped, and I've never scored below a 20 on the phq-9.
Recently when I've crashed, I've started considering seeing a psychiatrist, but my motivation seems to run out quickly after I start considering it or looking them up. I also don't want to be involuntarily detained and lose my tsa precheck.
Edit: Not sure this is relevant, but I do tend to hit/slap my face when I get in these overwhelmed states, which my wife has pointed out is not normal nor okay.
Preface: I'm sorry to hear that you've been experiencing this. Please try and see a doctor and/or a mental health professional in order to explain what's been going on. I realize that prioritizing self-care becomes even more difficult when you are dealing with a toddler. However your physical & mental health is super important to your child's wellbeing.
What you're describing sounds like an 'intrusive thought'. There are a number of causes for intrusive thoughts including depression (as you mentioned). My best friend has these. It got a lot worse after the birth of their kid. Sometimes an intrusive thought would linger for a week. Things like their toddler getting near a street corner and then an intrusive thought of them getting into an accident with a car.
If what you're experiencing turns out to be intrusive thoughts, there are a number of therapies that can attempt to make these more manageable and give you a greater degree of control over your state of mind. I wish you the best!
Thanks for the reply. I've read about intrusive thoughts but discounted that as an outcome because it sounds like intrusive thoughts are generally unwanted and I haven't seen the outsized response documented alongside them. But I could be wrong; I haven't delved into them deeply.
It seemed to me that these could be more related to an "all or nothing" thought pattern because, while the teeth-impact situation is definitely not preferable, the same thought pattern seems to allow me to make more comprehensive and secure software: my thoughts tend towards worst-case scenarios, often discounting completely the probability of that outcome compared to others.
That pattern does seem to present in other areas of my life. I'm currently going through an existential crisis because I never took e&m in school, and now I feel like a fraud so am reworking my way though Stewart's Calculus to be followed by linear algebra, diff eq, etc. through numerical analysis, pdes, advanced calc, etc. so that I can go and redo all of physics through theoretical astrophysics, because anything else would be abject failure. And I am completely worthless, but maybe this will push me into only the mostly worthless category.
And I'm doing this despite what I should be doing, ML engineering and agentic orchestration development, which would be relevant to my actual field and almost necessary given our paradigm shift, because I've now warped my perspective into determining this is a necessary prerequisite. And I can type this and acknowledge this is seemingly irrational, but also the amount of "I need to kill myself if I don't accomplish this" emotional throughput is closer to a firehouse than a drip. Meanwhile all I actually want to do is sit down and work my way through "Cpp Concurrency in Action", because I've also decided I'm a worthless fraud if I only specialize in garbage collected languages.
Idk. Maybe I should see someone. So far I've just been trying to grind all that out in my extremely limited free time with two toddlers and work and a dog while affording wife a nonzero amount of attention.
Edit: I forgot I also am planning to work through ochem because I've also never taken that and am definitely a loser that should be killed unless I can prove any sense of merit by mastering it (though that is admittedly less of a priority).
Yeah. But it seems to be something I should do but never actually do, so I figured I'd ask randoms if they had a similar experience so I could try to use that data as evidence to convince my actual self to finally go through the "schedule an appointment" process.
I have friends with adhd tell me that I have it, but my parents have suggested there was nothing present to indicate I had it as a child, which seems to be a binary input for diagnosis.
But I do seem to way overreact to the silliest things. For example, if my toddler trips and falls, my mind immediately races to "they definitely knocked all their teeth out and will be in pain and will have dentures forever and will never enjoy life again", and that seems to short circuit my reaction into a total panic/meltdown before I've even looked at the kid's face (which never hit the ground). And the advice of the internet such as deep breathing, stepping away, etc. is totally unhelpful as it seems my reaction is instantaneous. Then there's the crash and shame that follows it once the initial surge passes, which feels like my brain is lurching forward in my skull when I can feel it happening or stop it. And then I vow to never do it again, but then it happens.
I seem to mostly exist as a normal human otherwise. I can hyperfocus on coding, but that could just be normal focus because that's what I do all day.
My suspicion is that I have depression since the symptoms are overlapped, and I've never scored below a 20 on the phq-9.
Recently when I've crashed, I've started considering seeing a psychiatrist, but my motivation seems to run out quickly after I start considering it or looking them up. I also don't want to be involuntarily detained and lose my tsa precheck.
Edit: Not sure this is relevant, but I do tend to hit/slap my face when I get in these overwhelmed states, which my wife has pointed out is not normal nor okay.