Probably summoning a fish demon.

Made me laugh. Thank you.

Depression

They objected to the Paper Straw Mandate

A very good reason. I refuse to use paper straws. They are disgusting (it feels like sucking on a piece of printer paper).

Don't get me wrong. I try to remove plastics in all areas of my life as well (because of microplastics), but can't they coat the surface in some biodegradable polymer like PHA/PBS?

Or if this is too expensive coat it with some beeswax at the very least...

Try bamboo straws, they work very well and are as green as it gets.

Aluminum straw is the clear and superior alternative