It sounds like you're dealing with severe depression. I hope you're seeing someone you can talk to about these feelings. My email is alanctgardner@gmail.com if you do need someone to talk to.
I think he touches on a lot of the points you mentioned:
> every second feels like a minute
> you constantly obsess on what it was you did so wrong
> they felt you were a terrible disgrace
That sounds like deconstruction, negative affect, self-blame and 'falling short of standards'. It can be hard to quantify what you just instinctively feel by yourself. A lot of my time with my therapist is basically me rambling about an abstract feeling, and her relating and summing it up in one or two words. I think it helps me better understand what's going on, which can take some of the power away from the raw emotion.
Talking to someone about it is the best way to start getting better.
P.S. What I didn't like about the original article is it made it sound as if the feelings that lead to suicide are some sort of effete existential angst, and therefore rather mysterious, while in reality -- at least for me -- the feelings were just HELL ON EARTH.
Anyone who has any inkling of how much real tangible pain your own brain can put you in, would never question why someone might commit suicide. There are times when not doing so requires incredible strength and perseverance. Either that, or not even having the wherewithal anymore to take your own life.
Exactly this. The mental pain and anguish from second to second can feel absolutely unbearable and hellish. When every synapse in your brain feels on fire, and overwhelmingly awful, being able to not exist anymore seems a very enticing proposition.
I think he touches on a lot of the points you mentioned:
> every second feels like a minute
> you constantly obsess on what it was you did so wrong
> they felt you were a terrible disgrace
That sounds like deconstruction, negative affect, self-blame and 'falling short of standards'. It can be hard to quantify what you just instinctively feel by yourself. A lot of my time with my therapist is basically me rambling about an abstract feeling, and her relating and summing it up in one or two words. I think it helps me better understand what's going on, which can take some of the power away from the raw emotion.
Talking to someone about it is the best way to start getting better.