> Imagine that the only reason that you didn't kill yourself in order to end this interminable torment is because you figured you'd fuck even that up and just end up a quadriplegic, and then be truly screwed, since you'd never be able to end your eternal misery then.
Oh man. This struck way too close to home, as it is was the biggest reason I didn't actually go through with suicide when I was at the darkest point in life. That feeling that you can't do anything right, even ending your already frail and delicate life: I don't know of many things more disheartening than that.
Your description of how it feels to be suicidal is very well written and probably the most accurate summary I have read in this regards.
It's a relatively well-known fact that a very dangerous phase of depression is when you start to get better, because when you feel worst, you typically lack the energy to do anything, including suicide. When you start to pull out of it (such as when you begin taking effective medication) there can be a time when you aren't feeling paralyzed anymore, but still suicidal.
I actually wasn't aware of that, but it makes a lot of sense and aligns with my experiences with depression/suicide a lot. The times I've felt suicidal were all when I was picking myself up and put myself out there and it crashed and burned horribly (in my mind at least; in reality it was just a small setback). Now that you mention it, my worst was actually when I just didn't care about anything, and when I had suicidal tendencies I was trying to get better and had just hit some small speed bumps that I felt were insurmountable in the heat of the moment.
Oh man. This struck way too close to home, as it is was the biggest reason I didn't actually go through with suicide when I was at the darkest point in life. That feeling that you can't do anything right, even ending your already frail and delicate life: I don't know of many things more disheartening than that.
Your description of how it feels to be suicidal is very well written and probably the most accurate summary I have read in this regards.